TheFurFiles

I just got home from Jamaica last night. In case you didn’t know, I was there last week with my family and some friends for New Year’s. It was quite the party.

Now – back in the Great White North – I am currently contending with a few things, like an iPhone that won’t let me download my pictures onto my computer because (I think) it has sand in it, a gazillion emails, an empty fridge, and three children who stayed in bed half the day recovering from such a fun trip. My husband says we are so lucky. He was up and out the door by 6:30 this morning, heading to work. OK, he can stop whining already. We should be back to school, and normal life by tomorrow. Until then, I’ll leave you with what I learned while I was away…

1. This first one, I already knew, but not in so many words. I learned that the reason black men like curvy women is because they have “extra-sweet juices” [wink, wink]. A girlfriend of mine was told this by one of the staff guys at the resort. Classic.

2. If a person starts drinking at noon – I mean “drinking” drinking, like double-fisting beers followed by round after round of “flaming Bob Marley” shots – by supper time, they will no doubt be sitting at the table with their face beside their plate. They won’t want to eat anything either, and they could very well need to run (very fast) back to their room to throw up repeatedly into the toilet, if they even make it that far. By ten o’clock at night however, they should be good to go again, but only if they are nineteen. Forty-year-old’s can’t do this type of thing and survive. I saw a guy try though. It wasn’t pretty.

3. There are beautiful muscular male specimens named Rico who live in Jamaica – men worth writing erotic stories about. Stay tuned for that. I’m working on it.

4. While they may be nice to sit under, palm trees can be downright dangerous. One drop of a coconut onto your head, and you could suffer permanent brain damage.

5. The ants in Jamaica are ruthless. Their bites get big and red, itch like hell, and ooze for days.

6.  Not putting sunscreen on a part of your body and then lounging around on the beach all day will mean pain, redness, and a heck of a lot of peeling. I blame this on my husband’s half-blind sunscreen application skills. He should know that he has to be thorough – my white, white, white skin is VERY fragile.

7. It doesn’t take much for me to be happy – a little sunshine, a comfortable place to sit, and the ocean. That’s all I need. And guys like Rico to look at.

8. Bathing suit tans look good when you actually have your bathing suit ON. When they are off – not so much.

9. There are a lot of cats in Jamaica, and even though half of them appear retarded and starving, they still have the typical “cat attitude”. They are picky-ass buggers. You give them a piece of chicken and they’ll just look at it, waiting for you to give them a piece of salmon instead. I still loved them.

10. Warm weather is so much better than fucking three feet of snow. I am NOT a winter person, though the humidity in Jamaica does nothing for my hair.