Are You There World? It’s Me, Mandy
This isn’t what I originally meant to post today, but it’s what I’m GOING to post, ere I lose my mind…
I need some advice. Actually, I need some opinions. I already know what I am going to do about this, I just need to know if I’m crazy for making this decision.
This is in regard to my seventeen (almost eighteen-year-old) daughter. And I am writing this with the express purpose of having her read it after (hopefully a few times).
A little background:
When my grandparents died about ten years ago, they left some money to each of their children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. This means that each of MY children have (or will receive) $3000 on their eighteenth birthday. There were no specifications about what to do with the money – they could do with it as they pleased.
My oldest son (who is now twenty-one) bought himself a nice guitar – like really nice – and then kept the rest of the money to be used throughout his university years for entertainment, and buying clothes and stuff.
My younger son (now nineteen) spent his money on his first year school tuition. Even though we pay for most of it, we have asked the kids to contribute some to their education. We think it’s only fair. My husband and I paid for most of ours.
Now it is my daughter’s turn. She will be eighteen in June.
Our problem: how she wants to spend HER money.
Her plan is to pay for her and a few friends to go away on a vacation somewhere in the Caribbean – she is hoping Jamaica – on one of those “last-minute deals”.
Yeah, I know – we have our concerns…
1. First of all, $3000 isn’t going to go as far as she thinks it will. Even with a “last minute deal”, I doubt her money will pay for everyone, and then she will be asking us for the rest, which isn’t going to happen. So this could very well make this whole thing a “no go”, which is kind of what I’m hoping for. Even if she does manage to pay for the trip, she will have spent every last penny she has, leaving her with nothing in case of emergency.
2. I’m not sure this is what my grandmother had in mind when she left her the money. I could think of better uses for it. Even if she wanted to do a grad trip, she could go with her friends to a nearby city, and spend the weekend. Then she’d have some left over for other stuff, like moving to New York…
3. Which is what she plans to do in a year’s time. She intends to spend the next twelve months preparing to audition at a dance school down there. She has a few friends who are already doing it. This is New York City she is talking about though. She is going to need as much financial support as she can get in order to make this dream happen. My question then becomes, if she is willing to use this $3000 on a trip, then how badly could she want to move to New York? Her father and I are NOT paying for that.
4. With regard to the grad trip, this means she will be traveling OUT OF THE COUNTRY at barely eighteen with no adult supervision. I’m not a fan.
5. I’ve seen the movie Taken, and so has she. And she wants to go during hurricane season (because it’s cheaper, obviously). And I’m not flying down there to save them should something go wrong.
ETC. ETC. ETC.
Source: forums.santabanta.com.
Apparently, her friends are all allowed to go. I haven’t talked with their parents yet, and I wasn’t really planning on it, for the reasons stated above.
My husband and I have discussed this. We know our decision on the matter, which I’m sure you can tell from my comments. What I want to know is, are we being over-protective parents or not? Some kids have moved out by the time they are her age.
Any comments or suggestions on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to fight with her, but if I’m going to put my foot down, I want to know that I’m being fair. HELP!
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Hhhummm you know i have something to say about this , and she won’t like me either, but hay, she is not my child and even if she was, my answer would be the same. NO way should she be allowed to travel to another country unsupervised. My kids wanted to do the March break thing and the answer was NO! That being said just like your sons she should be allowed to spend her money as she wishes, but within the boundaries that you and your husband set for her. Case closed xo
…and it’s not about being fair, it’s about being a parent!
True. Thanks T!
I hate to say this, but at eighteen, she is an adult, and it is her money. But of course, if it were my daughter, I would have the same concerns. I would tell her that since going out of the country is so dangerous, you have to veto that part. But she can take her money anywhere in the Continental US. And then you have to keep your fingers crossed. However, I bet you can trust her.
I like the idea of saying keep it in the country. That would make me feel better. We are in Canada though. Still, same deal.
Thanks for your input Molly!
Okay.. what she wants to spend the money on doesn’t bother me. It will be a memory she has FOREVER and that to me is worth the coin. Memories always outlast objects. BUT… I’m with you on the fact that I wouldn’t be crazy about the idea of my 18 year old daughter traveling out of country, either. But at 18, they are adults and if they wanted to do it, in all honesty, they can at least according to the “law”. Would your parents have let you? My senior beach trip (although only to SC) was one of the best times of my life and yes, I still remember all of it
Good luck!!
I agree with you – memories outlast objects for sure, I just don’t want anything bad to happen. Would my parents have let me go? I’ll have to ask them.:) My dad will read this anyway LOL.
my house my rules lol! the fun begins!!:)
The other option is, you could go too and hide in the bushes.
My other friend from the gym suggested that. I don’t want to go during hurricane season! LOL
You could create a budget for her for roughly the next 4 years and let her fill in the blanks with how to she’s going to make her plans happen. Baby adults often have unrealistic expectations of how much things cost and how much time some things take.
My daughter thought it was the end of the world when she lost her scholarship and had to move back home. But it proved to be a great growing experience for her. She’s had to take out student loans and she’s waitressing. (She did spend 6 months on the sofa after she moved back home). It’s taken a few years, but she’s got her own place now and is making solid adult decisions—most of the time.
Love your term “baby adult”. And she certainly does have some unrealistic expectations about how much things cost and how much time things will take. Thanks for chiming in Connie!
I wonder how many men would let their daughters go?
NO! Remember that girl who went to Aruba? Even if anything, NO. I always say, you can hate me forever, but you’ll be alive. This is a different world we live in, and an 18yrold can’t begin to comprehend the dangers. So again, NO. I don’t care if they’re “legally” and adult. NO. NO. Never.
Really, the issue isn’t how she’s spending the money, nor should it be – you’re upset because you imagine she’s putting herself at risk and if her judgement is iffy, she is. Compromise. Tell her you’ll help with some of the cost if she waits AND changes some of the conditions. Don’t buy the “I’m 18, I can do what I want” thing either. Not as long as she’s willing to depend on you for other things.
So funny that you say this. My husband and I are sitting here discussing, and we just said those very words. I like the idea of waiting and going at a time when we can go with her. I don’t mind going, but it won’t be in the summer. She definitely will have to compromise if she wants this to happen. Thanks Susan. You were channeling your thoughts my way LOL!
Ugh, this is a hard one. I will say that your son’s really nice guitar is probably no different an expense than your daughter’s trip. That being said, her trip obviously causes you much more angst than a material possession.Perhaps there is some compromise situation — make the trip inside the country, which would be cheaper and keep your mind a bit more at ease??
Everyone is so right. It’s not about the money. It’s more about me worrying. The guitar was a safe thing. Loud maybe, but safe LOL. The trip is definitely another story. And yes, I think the compromise is the best way. I do value her ideas, and she is an adult (almost) and it is her money. I just want her to be safe. That’s the bottom line.
Maybe your son could entice her to take up guitar or piano or accordian?!?!?
A musical instrument is a tool you enjoy forever. Memories of trips are great too, but out of country?….I would just go with her and take one of my friends along. ♥
Actually, they are both into music. She sings, and he sings and plays the guitar. We’ve been talking about getting a piano. You are right, those are tools that a person can enjoy forever. And like I’ve been saying to everyone, I think my husband and I will end up going along. Tough, I know.
Very tough spot….but all will work out! ♥
maybe the movie Taken ruined us..it terrified me. I would not want my daughter going out of the country alone at 18. They think they are so grown up and I know they are ‘legal’ but really, they’re stilll just kids and we all know it. If it were me, I know both my husband and I would say no to this. Go with your gut. So hard..I feel for you!
You are so right about them thinking they are grown up when they are not quite there. it is a really tough time. But I will go with my gut. I’ll feel sick otherwise. Thanks for your input.
I recently planned a family vacation and one of the places I looked at was Jamaica. After I learned several sobering things about Jamaica, we decided on someplace else. I have a 20yo and a 15 yo and neither of them would have been safe in Jamaica.
Rape is a very common occurrence there. It happens in broad daylight on beaches and the law enforcement are pretty old school about whether or not a girl gets help if she seems to have “deserved it”.
I am good with her decision to spend the money on travel. I’m just not thinking Jamaica would be a wise destination, unless she’s thinking of a resort and no roaming around outside of the resort…which sort of defeats the point of traveling.
I think the reason she is thinking Jamaica is just because we’ve been there a few times as a family. I hear your concerns though. My husband’s parents are from there, and even they say it is not too safe going about the island alone. She definitely wouldn’t leave the resort. But anyway, I think we will end up going with her wherever they go. If she was twenty-one, I would still be concerned about where she was going, but I wouldn’t be so worried. She is just on the edge, you know, of being old enough or not. I definitely see a trip for my husband and I coming out of this I think LOL. Now the question is where?
I think taking a big trip sounds like a fantastic idea! I would have loved to have been able to afford something like that at her age. (Or, frankly, now.) However, I think Jamaica is an ill-conceived plan. If she wants a beach vacation, there are many other places from which to choose. (Has she considered the Florida Keys?) Having fun is one thing; being foolhardy is another.
Yes, I am hearing the same things about not letting her go out of country or at least having her stay in North America. And funny you should say but I went to the Florida Keys when I was exactly her age – with three friends too, but one of the girls parents. I think we should just stop worrying and go on the trip too. I have a feeling that is what will happen.
Life is rough.
I named the Keys because I’ve never been, but want to go there!
I agree with everyone who has said that the trip must be inside of Canada or the US. There are too many cases of girls disappearing from Mexico south. I also really like the idea of working out a budget and showing her what she is up against over the next four years. I think you have to put your foot down about a trip like this and just how dangerous it is. This danger is not subsiding and unsupervised young ladies are ripe targets. I live in Texas and we hear these horror stories daily.
Regardless of the trip, we do definitely need to work out a budget with her. She likes to live large LOL. She really has no clue about how much it will cost to do what she wants to do. Thanks for your input Pam. It’s good to hear what people in other parts of the world have to say about what’s out there.
Answering first, then reading other comments.
There are two issues here. The first is how she wants to spend the money. There were no strings attached, therefore I think she should be able to choose. You can explain why it’s not the wisest use for the money but if this is her wish, so be it. You can also reiterate that you are not paying for New York — or at least deducting $3000 from what you would pay…
(This is just me now: I never had the opportunity to travel, and life got in the way in adulthood. My eldest daughter has spent six months in Thailand and is spending a year studying in Malaysia. I’m thrilled for her — and a little jealous. Youth should seize these opportunities when they arise.)
Second issue: her safety. This comes down to matters of trust and letting go. In other words, these are mostly your issues. Is she trustworthy? Does she make good decisions? Are her friends good people? Would you feel the same way if your boys had wanted to go? If not this time, there’ll be a next one. Are you ready?
I would strongly encourage my child to spend the money more sensibly. But if she’s determined, I’d say give her a big hug and send her on her way.
I’ll just put my 2 cents in here. it isn’t just whether or not one’s child is to be trusted. The real problem is all the other people in the world that you CANNOT trust. I have a 31yr old and when he wanted to go to Mexico a while ago, all 3 of his parents sat him down and told him he needed to be smarter than that and there was NO way we were going to let him place his life in a situation of potential danger. Granted, he’s not an 18 yr old girl which is even more reason to be protective, but our jobs as mama bears is to do what we must to protect them no matter what. Only someone who hasn’t given birth would say”I’d say give her a big hug and send her on her way.” I don’t mean to sound combative, but there’s just too much that can go wrong.
See my comment below. And “only someone who hasn’t given birth”???? On behalf of all the dads, ouch and ouch again!
I said I didn’t want to be combative!! but I’m a FIERCEly protective mom and I mean FIERCE!! When they say mama bear, I’m the poster child…sorry to offend
No offence taken, just couldn’t let that comment slide. Peace.
I love you both.
And I am very happy to have both opinions. And I think the world needs mothers who hold on tight, and fathers who may be a little more willing to let their children take chances. Though I shouldn’t stereotype because I know couples where the roles are flipped!
Oh, believe me, I know Madame Seashells is a FIERCELY protective mother. I baked a pie with her remember? Not sure what that means, but it sounded good.
Ha-ha! Minority Man here…
Last thought: a lot of comments about what might happen, what happened to this girl there or that girl there. Sadly, this stuff happens everywhere. But ultimately it rarely happens. It’s called risk assessment. Every time our kids go out the door there is a risk that they won’t come back. Scary, awful but true. 99.999999% of the time, however, nothing happens (knock wood! knock wood!). We can’t let fear of the small percentages rule our lives.
I love this Ross. And I agree, we can’t let risk hold us back. We’d be locked in the closet otherwise. I want her to experience life, which is why I’ll probably end up going with her LOL.
It’s actually not a bad compromise. And (it should be noted) very easy for me to offer an opinion on this with nothing at stake. Good luck!
Thanks. And it should also be noted that sometimes you need an outside perspective to actually GET perspective.
I think it really depends on so many variables–how mature is she, how does she do win planning and coping in emergencies, etc. Chances are that you know her better than most, and you’re aware of her track record, so I’d say go with your gut.
Karen
Thanks Karen. I’d say I’d trust her more than my boys at this point, which is sad, but boys mature later, right? Still, my gut says she tends to jump into things before she is ready.
I think you’ve got enough advise and opinion already but I’m gonna put my two cents worth. Absolutely NO to the trip without adult supervision. This world is not the same place as it was when we were her age. Too many crazies out there. I would put safety of my daughter above all else. My hubby would agree with me 100%! Now, don’t you feel sorry for our daughter? She’s 23, on her own, living 2 hours away but I still make her call me daily. Tell your daughter about me….she may think you’re a saint!
Thanks Jeannie! I will be the same when she moves out and/or away LOL. And we are discussing going with her as we speak.
It’s just a matter of when…
Living in and around NYC is brutally expensive. Tell her to call me. I’ll convince her to use some of that 3K to find a suitable place to live in the area. She’ll need to if she doesn’t want to wind up in a very undesirable neighborhood. I know someone living in a third-floor walk-up in Chelsea, which her mother describes as a garret —a woman not given to hyperbole— who pays $1500/month JUST for rent. I have many such horror stories I can share. I wouldn’t try to talk her out of living here— it’s the best city in the world as far as I’m concerned— but that kind of money would certainly come in handy if she is serious about such a move.
Good luck!
I will definitely make sure she sees this. She needs to get a better handle on how much her New York plan will cost – or any plan for that matter LOL.
I’ve gone through this myself, with all three children when they were completing their final year of secondary school. It’s a school tradition for the grads to fly to Thailand (we lived in HK so it was only a short flight away from home), to stay in hotels on the beach and have some freedom and fun before university began in the autumn. They each went for a week, and the worst thing that happened was my daughter coming home with a sunburn and my son with an exhaust burn on his leg from a moped. Yeah, they did things I didn’t approve of (driving mopeds, bungee-jumping, etc), but it’s not their job to make us happy and free from worry. I wish that were the case, but it’s just not.
I agree with Ross above, the chances of her (your daughter) having a safe vacation are excellent. This is a learning curve for everybody: your daughter, learning how to fend for herself in the safety of friends (and relatives in Jamaica) and you and your husband, learning how to step back and watch your daughter live her life on her own limited terms – 3k isn’t going to take her very far!
Finally, I think the world hasn’t changed as much as we might think – there were bad people out there when we were teens, when our parents were and their parents before them. We just hear more about it now, that’s all.
Sorry, this is turning into a post of its own!
Just wanted you to know my kids did it, we all survived and they’ve travelled safely all their lives, with and without me.
Good luck, I know these things can be stressful.
W.
My husband and I were discussing this too last night as I emailed our travel agent to ask her opinion and about what places she would recommend. She is young – about 25 or so – and she said she went away her senior year as well to Cuba. The only difference I see here is that it is not a class of people going – like 100 or even 30. There are only the four girls. I feel like that is slightly different, but I do agree, as parents, we do need to learn to let go. I also agree that in today’s society (and world) we hear about everything. That in itself is scary. I’ll let you know what happens, and I really do appreciate all the comments. You are welcome to write a “post” at the end of my post anytime LOL!
I was thinking as well…if she really wants to go, I’d suggest she do all the planning without your assistance, eg contact the travel agent, make sure passports are in order, book hotel rooms and sort out payments in advance. I’d also sit her down and bore her to death by talking about the Jamaican legal system, driving, drinking, travel insurance, situations to steer clear of, etc. If, after all this, she still wants to go and has organised everything to your satisfaction, then it’s a good indication she’s mature enough to go. Being an adult can be fun but it also has its deadly dull responsible side.
This is a good time to hammer that message home : )
Consider this a mini-post,
W.
Will do, Wendy! All great suggestions. And mini-posts work as well.
: )
I’m with you on this one; 18 or not, I’d never allow my daughter or son to traipse around, unsupervised, outside of the country. Call me what you like, but I’ve also seen “Taken” and–in a more real sense–my heart broke right along with Natalee Holloway’s mother as she went through the ups and downs of her daughter’s disappearance.
It might be her money and she may be 18, but that doesn’t always mean our kids are ready to make the smartest decisions. No matter how old they get, they’re still our babies and I, for one, won’t ever stop trying to step in and guide mine in the more reasonable direction–even if they hate me for it at the time.
Just my two
Thanks Kimberley! I’m getting it from all sides. My husband and I are probably going with her. He is even stricter about this than I am, so the fact that she’d even go would be a compromise for him LOL.
I’m with you on this one; 18 or not, I’d never allow my daughter or son to traipse around, unsupervised, outside of the country. Call me what you like, but I’ve also seen “Taken” and–in a more real sense–my heart broke right along with Natalee Holloway’s mother as she went through the ups and downs of her daughter’s disappearance.
It might be her money and she may be 18, but that doesn’t always mean our kids are ready to make the smartest decisions. No matter how old they get, they’re still our babies and I, for one, won’t ever stop trying to step in and guide mine in the more reasonable direction–even if they hate me for it at the time.
Just my two
I like that your going to do this in baby steps for/with her, and you instead of throwing her to the wind. In high school my son went on a supervised school trip to Greece, Italy, and had no problems and the teachers report back to the parents on student behaviour. He also went on another supervised trip to Israel, so when he called me to ask if he could stay a week longer and travel with a group of kids whom also decided to stay on longer, well i knew he would be ok, and he was, that being said he was also 21 years old. It’s that gray matter.:)
It only makes sense to do the baby steps. We do everything that way.