TheFurFiles

Source: songza.com.

Recently, my younger son turned me on to the website Songza. I really like it because it has songs for anything you could ever think of doing in your day-to-day life. I use it all the time to get me through so many different activities. OK, I really only use it when I’m working out at home, but I COULD use if for so many other things. I’ll give you a few examples…

It has songs for curing road rage. As I do so much driving – taking my kids here, taking my kids there, taking my kids every damn where – I have to deal with this a lot. So instead of me rolling down my window and screaming, “Fuck you, buddy. Try turning your blinker on for once,” Songza could come to the rescue with a little Gino Vannelli…

It has songs for stripping.  Whenever I am feeling a little naughty, I could simply strap on my clear heels, and put on my black leather fringe bikini top and matching short shorts, and go down into the basement – because that’s where my stripper pole is – and turn on Songza.  No doubt, 2 Chainz’s “Birthday Song” is my jam.

It has songs for getting lucky. When the kids are all out of the house at the same time, my husband sometimes runs – and I do mean RUNS – over to the television, where he turns on our Google TV, fumbles about for a few minutes until he finds Songza, and then scrolls through until he gets to this category. He then presses play, which ultimately brings up some sort of R. Kelly song, like “Ignition”. Unfortunately, by the time he does all this, I am usually asleep. At least he tries.

Songs for sitting on a back porch. Lucky for me, we actually HAVE a back porch. Well, it’s more like a back “deck”, but whatever. That’s close enough. We live in a really quiet neighbourhood though. I have to keep the volume to almost nothing. Usually, if I’m listening to music, I end up back inside the house. Thus, I really have no use for Muddy Waters’ “Mannish Water”. Thanks, but no thanks, Songza. I am not trying to make enemies out of Alice and Jake from down the street.

Songs for staying up all night. When was the last time that happened? About thirty years ago? Yeah, like I want to drive into a wall, or accidentally burn down the house, or mistakenly sprinkle baby powder on the spaghetti instead of shaky cheese, because that’s what would occur the next day if I was running on no sleep. In case I ever want to try it though, I always have Songza. And Songza has Baauer’s “Harlem Shake”. Like what else?

Songs for doing housework. My husband would say that these are more my speed. Sorry, but not even thoughts of Adam Levine’s washboard stomach can make doing the dishes, the laundry, or vacuuming the floor any better. You missed the mark again with this one, Songza. You are just making me angry because now I am thinking about all the stuff I have to do around here. You need to learn when to talk about something, and when to keep you big Songza mouth shut.

Songs for breaking up. Now, if I’m ever going to tell my husband that I want a divorce, I know exactly what to do – put on Songza. “Goodbye” by Alicia Keys would be the perfect backdrop, right? Ahhh, my poor husband. That would be so mean of me.

Just kidding dear. Do you wanna kiss and…go shopping at a vintage store? Because YES, Songza has music for that too – “Brass In Pocket” by The Pretenders. Now, that’s more like it Songza. This time, you hit the nail on the head.

All joking aside, I really enjoy this site. Check it out!