TheFurFiles

We’ve never owned a snow blower. Yes, our first house DID have a really long driveway, but that was in London, Ontario. There, the snow falls and then it melts. There was no need for one.

When we moved to Ottawa thirteen years ago, we bought a condo where they did all the shoveling for us. In our new house however – even though we don’t have the biggest driveway in the world – I’m beginning to feel like we should probably get some sort of snow removal device. This morning, it may have prevented the following from happening…

My front yard this morning. Yes, I know my Christmas lights are falling down. Like I have time to do anything about that. I’m too busy shoveling.

1. My daughter was late for school. She then gave me the evil eye on her way out of the car. I get this almost on the daily. Like I need it anymore.

2. My son was hyperventilating in the car because he was going to be late for his train, which meant that he’d be late for the gym, which meant that he’d be late for class, which meant that he might not hear everything that was going to be on his midterm in two days, which meant that he might fail his midterm, which meant that he might have to take the class over again in the summer, which meant that his summer job might be affected, which meant that he might not have any money, which meant that he might have to live at home longer, which meant…holy shit I’m going to lose my mind. The boy makes me tired.

3. I shoveled for an hour, and that’s with the help of my neightbour and HIS snow blower.

4. When the snow plow drove past for the second time in half an hour – completely blocking the driveway – I almost jumped out into the street, yelling obscenities at the driver. I could’ve been killed, or badly maimed. Then what would my family have done about dinner?

5. We are the only loser family on the street whose driveway looks like it has been shoveled by very large, human-sized hamsters. Everyone else hires a company to do it. My husband says, “Well, you are home. We can save that money to use for something else.”

6. There is a chance that I will get mad, and I won’t talk to my husband for a week, because he is trying to save money by not hiring a company to clear out the driveway when it snows, like every other goddamn family on the street.

7. I could’ve thrown out my back shoveling this morning, the snow was THAT heavy. And although I’m not averse to hard physical labour, when you are in a hurry – like when you have two impatient teenagers telling your to “let’s go” and barely moving an inch of snow themselves even though you told them to help or you’d “never get out of here” – you could easily turn the wrong way and wind up on the couch – unable to move – for a good month or so. It could happen. I’m getting older.

8. If this “winter” thing keeps up and I don’t have any way of making it easier for myself, my kids are going to miss me when I move to Florida…alone.

9. See reasons number 1. through 4.

10. See reasons number 5. through 8.

If anybody needs me, I’ll be taking a nap.