thefurfiles

My oldest son and I were standing in line at the grocery store the other night waiting to buy a few things. It was busy, and some guy two customers ahead of us was taking forever, paying with what seemed like nickels. Trying to pass the time, Zach picked up a People magazine. “Look what they do to celebrities.” He showed me a picture of Britney Spears – at least I think it was her. Whoever it was, she looked like she’d seen better days.

“When you are a famous singer, the same thing is going to happen to you.” I use the term “when” because you have to believe in order to make something happen. “Are you gonna be able to handle it?”

“I guess I’ll have to.” At this point, there is nothing that could dissuade him from pursuing a career in music. And like his bull-headed father, if he sets his mind to something, there’s usually no stopping him.

“You’d better get ready then,” I said, “because once you are a rock star, your life will be different. For one thing, I’ll be living in YOUR house instead of you living in mine. FYI, your dad and I like oceanfront. For another, people won’t ever leave you alone. You will be under the microscope. Paparazzi will follow you everywhere. Screaming fans will mob you when you go to Target. You’d better be prepared for the worst. And that People magazine, chances are, YOU will end up on the cover at some point, and it may or may not be to your benefit.”

I decided to show him what could happen. Yeah, I made this up…

“Oh my God,” he laughed when he saw this. “Where did you get that picture?”

“Don’t worry about where I got it. Just know that if I can get it, anyone can. Also, you can snicker about it all you want, but when you are calling me in the middle of the night to say that you are out of Xanax, and that you can’t handle all the stress of life anymore, don’t say that I didn’t warn you.”

“You worry too much, Mom.” He walked away, a bag of Maltesers in his hand. That’s his favourite candy.

“I wouldn’t eat those if I were you,” I called after him sarcastically.

As for his “I’m a worrier” accusation, he’s got me there. I’m a mother. What does he expect?

_____________________________________

Related Articles:

11 Crazy Celebrity Attacks On The Paparazzi

People Magazine: The Best Of 2013

Eat This, Not That: 20 Worst Drinks In America

This morning, I am alive – thank the man in the moon for that.

I almost didn’t make it through last night. It was touch and go there for a while. It was a close call, and I mean a really close call.

But in the end, the big red pot that sat on the stove overnight with the turkey soup inside that I’m making because Monday was Thanksgiving and we had two turkeys and something needed to be done with the bones, did NOT explode into a giant fireball, ultimately consuming me and my family in smoke and flames as we lay unconscious and charred in our beds, the firefighters unable to get to us because the blaze was just too intense.

Yes, I’m a little neurotic.

And as someone of this unstable ilk, there are a few things – OK, a lot of things – that bother the hell out of me. The first one – if you haven’t already figured it out – is leaving food to simmer on a ridiculously low temperature overnight on the stove, even if that food will spoil otherwise because there isn’t room for it in the fridge and it’s not cold enough yet to set it on the back porch. My feeling: you never know when the burner will go from slightly warm to inferno-level for absolutely no reason.

I also don’t like the toothpaste lid to be left off or askew – ever. It could fall onto the floor, and I could step on it while I was curling my hair with the curling iron, which I rarely do and which would be very ironic if I was doing it during that inopportune moment. This could accidentally cause me to burn off a hunk of my hair, and make me look either really crazy or like I was some kind of new-wave fashion maven or one of those older but still fairly cool MTV hosts. Sadly, I’m not that put together. My clothes wouldn’t match my head’s hip appearance. I’d probably just look homeless.

And it drives me batty if someone leaves a teaspoon or so of cereal in the box, or less than a cup of liquid in the milk container. Eat it or drink it, for Christ’s sake. As if that little bit is going to make a meal for someone else.

And fingerprints on the microwave or stove? Don’t even get me started on that. Damn you, stainless steel appliances.

Strangely though, I don’t care if there is cat barf on the carpet for a few days. What’s it hurting anybody? Just don’t walk there.

And I don’ t care if the shelves in that same fridge are stained or covered in sticky stuff in a few places either.

I guess we all have our pet peeves, and we all have things we don’t give two shits about. It’s the magic of being human.

A psychologist once said to me,” There is really only ONE important question that you have to ask yourself, and that is, do you think it’s OK to poop in your pants? If you answered ‘no’, then you are fine. If you answered ‘yes’, then you are either two-years-old, or a complete wack job. Since you drove here, I’ll assume the latter.”

Anyway, whose idea was it to make that G.D. turkey soup? That’s right, it was my husband’s. He is always trying to use our resources to their utmost potential, always trying to push me outside of my comfort zone. I guess we were made for each other.

____________________________________

Related Articles:

5 Survival Stories (Almost) Too Miraculous To Be Real

Being Neurotic Might Have Some Health Benefits

Day-After-Thanksgiving Turkey Carcass Soup Recipe

Funny how sometimes, one thing can lead to something completely different. Yesterday at our house, it went from carving large birds to killer dolls.

You see, Thanksgiving is coming, and like so many others, we are having a bunch of people over for dinner tomorrow, which means we’ve started cooking.

Potatoes, corn, asparagus, turnip, carrots, pumpkin pie, stuffing, and of course, turkey. We cooked one last night, and we’ll make another one tomorrow just so we have enough. People eat like horses around here. At least Charles does.

Anyway, we were preparing the bird, when the talk of big knives began…

“I wouldn’t want to be stabbed with a big knife.” It was my husband, stating what is probably a sentiment most people would agree with. I mean, I don’t think anyone likes getting stabbed.

“No, me neither,” I replied.

“Especially not by a little person,” he went on.

“Little person? How likely is that?” What was he talking about? My husband is strange sometimes. “Well, at least they probably couldn’t jab you very hard,” I answered. No matter what, I try to go with the flow. “Nor could they likely reach beyond your waist – like they couldn’t stab you in the heart – unless of course, they were standing on a chair, but then that would take time to organize. You could run away by then.”

“Chucky. I just don’t like Chucky.” His eyes were big. He looked afraid.

“That doll from the horror movie in the 80’s?” Ah, so now I understood. It was like he was reliving his childhood again, except when the movie came out, he was nineteen. I needed to help him out.

“Chucky is from New Jersey. How’s a toddler supposed to get to where we live?” Logic. I hit ’em with it every time, and it usually makes things better. Lucky for me, at that moment, it did, and we could get on with the holiday.

“Yeah, you’re right.” He let out a big sigh of relief, and went back to cooking.

_________________________________

Related Articles:

The 9 Scariest Movies You’ve Never Seen

Ridiculous Halloween Costumes

20 Scariest Horror Movie Killers